Love, Lies, Betrayal, And Deceit - Why Do We Lie To Those We Love?

Why do husbands and wives, boyfriends and girlfriends, lie to each other?

Our romantic relationships are seldom what they seem. We all want a relationship that is built on openness, intimacy, and trust, but the truth is, our relationships do not always work that way. More often than not, our intimate relationships involve secrecy and deceit. In fact, if you want to look for deception and betrayal in your own life, the best place to start is close to home. Husbands and wives, boyfriends and girlfriends, often lie about their true feelings for each other, the feelings they have for others, and their level of commitment. Indeed, it is safe to say that people save their biggest and most serious lies for those they love.

For better or worse, our romantic relationships are full of paradoxes which we try to overlook, downplay and ignore. For the most part, this strategy works well. Until the day comes when it doesn’t, and with little warning or preparation we have to confront face-on the reality that our close relationships are not exactly what they appear to be.

Eventually, almost everyone will catch a spouse or partner in one of their lies. Inevitably, we have a difficult time coping with what we have learned and dealing with the fact that someone close has betrayed our trust. We do not expect our partners to mislead us, nor do we have insight into how and why deception occurs.

In fairness, it should also be mentioned that it is just as likely that a partner or spouse will catch you in one of your own attempts to deceive. And ironically, we are just as unprepared to deal with this kind of situation.

Ignoring the paradoxes inherent in our romantic relationships turns out to be a costly strategy and most people pay the price for this decision, unexpectedly, and all at once. It’s not so much that coming to terms with the use of deception in romantic relationships will solve all of the problems you are going to encounter, but it will certainty help to reduce the stress, anxiety, and uncertainty that occur when deception eventually comes to light.

In fact, when it comes love and romance, most of the things we believe, are not true. Most people believe that all of their marital or relational problems can be solved through “communication.” We believe that deception is difficult to achieve, that misleading a partner requires a lot of effort and thought, and that romantic partners can tell when a lover is lying, and so on. None of these widely held beliefs, however, are supported by the evidence. Rather, our romantic relationships are held together by a delicate balance of both candor and deceit. And both are critical to making our intimate relationships work.

In reality, romantic relationships entail two important features which allow deception to flourish: abundant opportunity, as well as the need to deceive. As we get close to another person, we intentionally and unintentionally provide them with a great deal of information about who we are, revealing ourselves through both our words and deeds. Creating this kind of intimacy or shared knowledge is critical, as it serves as the foundation for a lot of important rewards. Through our close relationships, we create gains with respect to our health, wealth, and emotional well-being.

Because relationships provide so many important rewards, it should come as no surprise that people are inclined to view their romantic partners in a positive light. We place a lot of trust in our romantic partners. We think we know them well. But while our trust surely provides us with a sense of security and comfort, it also lays the ground for deceit. For as we trust our partners more, we also become more confident but less accurate at determining when the truth is being told.

Every relevant study attests to the fact that lovers are terrible at telling when their partners are lying. In fact, detecting deception with anyone is difficult to do, but lovers manage to take this general failure to a spectacular low. Again, as we become more confident that we can tell when a lover is lying, the exact opposite turns out to be true. This “truth-bias” or “blind faith” provides the perfect opportunity for romantic partners to engage in deception. After all, who makes a better victim than someone who is eager and willing to trust everything you have to say?

Not only do close relationships create a wonderful opportunity for deception to occur, they also create the need. While romantic relationships offer many rewards, they also tend to be overly constrictive. Most everyone has felt the constraints of a close relationship from time to time; quite simply you are no longer free to do what you want, when you want, and with whom you want. So intimacy provides tremendous rewards, but at an enormous cost – the loss of your freedom and autonomy.

Lying to a romantic partner helps us deal with the constraints that our intimate relationships impose. Quite frankly, deceiving a romantic partner turns out to be the most efficient and effective way of maintaining the rewards we get from our romantic relationships while pursuing extra-relational goals and activities behind a partner’s back.

How do we decide when to lie and when to tell the truth? Well, most of the time we do not intentionally think about misleading our partners. Rather such decisions are governed by our emotions and just seem to happen when the right situation presents itself. Often a sense of excitement, opportunity, and exhilaration can lead us down paths we had no intention of traveling. A sense of fear, loss, and trepidation, on the other hand, prompt us to cover-up what we’ve done and be more conservative in the short-term. Luckily our emotions are very good at reading situations and keeping our deceptive behavior within limits. Our emotions prompt us to regain some of our freedoms while also allowing us to maintain the benefits we get from our intimate relationships.

When you take a step back and put it altogether, the picture that emerges tends to be rather ironic. Because our romantic relationships are so rewarding yet constrictive, we are simultaneously more truthful and more deceptive with those we love. Additionally, we place the most trust in the person who is most likely to deceive us, just as we are most likely to deceive the person who loves and trusts us the most. These are just a few of the paradoxes that emerge when taking a close look at the use of deception in our romantic relationships. Most of what is uncovered runs counter to our most cherished beliefs about love and romance; that is, the idea that complete openness and intimacy are a central and defining feature of being in love.

Initially most people avoid looking for deception by a loved one. But as you begin to examine your own behavior more closely it becomes harder to dismiss the degree to which lies, betrayal, secrecy and deceit are ever present in our close relationships. Hopefully, you will take on a greater appreciation for the complexities of your relationships as well as a richer understanding of what it means to be in love. Regardless of the final outcome, taking a close look at deception in your life will change the way you view yourself and others.

Read more articles by: Timothy Cole

Learn To Love Your Job—7½ Secrets For Living A Life You Love

You’ve no doubt run into that strange species, the "workis contentis" — it can be found in almost every organization. They’re the creatures who arrive at work every day with a smile on their faces, raring to tackle any challenge that crosses their desk. They sit in an office, just as you do. They receive a paycheck, just as you. But something about them is so radically different.

THEY ACTUALLY LOVE THEIR JOB!

You can see it in the way they walk; you can see it in their daily activities and you can certainly see it in their productivity and the quality of their work. Why do they thrive while others languish? The difference is they have found a way to live the life they love. And guess what? You can learn to do the same.

Here are 7½ secrets to living a life you love:

1. Be true to your purpose. Take time to identify your strengths and passions. What makes your heart beat faster, your eyes light up with enthusiasm? Do you thrive as a leader? A listener? An encourager? An innovator? An implementer? Complete the following statement: "My purpose in life is…" Once you are able to align your passions with your daily activities, your productivity and level of fulfillment at work will soar.

2. Talk it over. Have an honest conversation with your supervisor and co-workers. Host a discussion about the organization’s mission and vision. Is it possible you have not fully understood the real purpose and importance of your job? Once you recognize how your talents and skills add value to the organization, you may quickly regain respect for your work and feel a renewed sense of purpose.

3. Reestablish written priorities and boundaries for your life. If you truly want to live a life you love you must first determine which parts of life you value most. What is most important to you? Is it your family, health, financial security, faith, hobbies, and so forth? When was the last time you sat down and created a written list of your priorities? Often we allow some parts of our life to squeeze out our favorite activities. Making a written list will help you reestablish priorities that, while important to you, have somehow fallen by the wayside.

4. Reclaim your day. How much of your time each day is spent on accomplishment and productivity? How much time is wasted on unproductive matters? Time to make another list: write down all of the projects you need to complete, then rank each numerically according to its importance. Focus on the tasks that really matter. Simple time management strategies will allow you to feel a greater sense of accomplishment and control, which in turn help you love your job.

5. Do what you like and delegate what you don't like. This boils down to focusing on your strengths. No one is good at everything; we are all born with individual talents. Spend your work day doing what you love and your job won’t even feel like “work.” If you work on a team, have open conversations about how the members can cooperate and collaborate to share responsibilities based on the individuals’ strengths. Try to determine how each person can be most valuable to the achievement of the team’s and the organization’s overall objectives.

6. Clean it up. Disorganization is one of the biggest causes of dissatisfaction at work and at home. Clutter contributes greatly to stress. If you spend many minutes or even hours each day locating documents, files, e-mails and so on, your productivity will suffer. Clutter translates to being out of control; it makes you feel defeated before you even start. Make it a top priority to deal with everything that crosses your desk—either deal with it, file it or toss it. Believe it—all that mess stands between you and a better work experience.

7. Make a decision to embrace change. When was the last time you mastered a new skill? Consider going back to school or taking a training course. The more you know the more valuable you will become, not only to your company but in your own heart as well. If you want to reignite your passion for work, raise the bar on what you expect of yourself. Arrive at the office 15 minutes early to give yourself time to read professional journals and trade magazines to keep up with what is going on in your business. When you read about a superstar in your industry, contact him or her. Create and maintain a network of people with whom you can exchange information and advice. Find out who is on the cutting edge in your industry and ask him or her to be your mentor. Consider becoming a mentor to someone just starting out in your business.

7½. Appreciate what you’ve got. Create one more list: write down 10 things you actually love about your job. Think back to your first day at your company. What were you most excited about? How can you recapture that enthusiasm? Your job may not be perfect, but like much of life, it’s all about what you make of it. Focus on the positive and try to change the negative.

The moral of the story? When you love life first, you will love everything that comes with it—including your job.

Read more articles by: Susan Naylor

How Love Grows (Practical Steps To Keeping Love Alive)

We are meant to live a life of love. However, no matter how successful some are in other aspects of their lives, they don’t feel it’s possible to have the same success in love. They tell themselves to “be realistic.” But being in love is the most mature and realistic thing you can do. The real question is, how can we learn to help love grow in all aspects of our lives? Here are some steppingstones will show how to help love grow.

The One Right Besides You

Most of the time we are either searching for the right person or wanting to change the one we are with. We do not take a precious moment to stop and truly see the one who is right in front of our eyes.

Look at a person who is close to you right now – anyone it happens to be. Notice what you are demanding of them in order to be happy together. Then notice the ways in which you push them away.

For a moment, stop it. Spend time just being together. Allow things to go whatever way they do. Let all of it be fine just as it is. Tomorrow, do the same thing with someone else. The more we can be “right” and happy with each person we meet, the fuller and more joyous our lives will be.

Playing At The Game of Love

So many complain that they are not loved. The reason for this can be quite simple. They are so busy playing roles and games that the partner never gets to know who they really are. They never know either.

Notice what roles (or games) you play in relationships, and what roles you demand others play.. See if you are in love with the person you are with, or with the role he/she is playing right now.

Turn this around for a little while. Stop playing roles completely. Love is not a game we play. Love is knowing and accepting yourself and the other exactly as they are. Who we are is always loveable and beautiful. It’s the roles that get in the way.

Letting Him Come and Letting Him Go

One great obstacle in living a life of love is the tendency to hold on. We grasp and cling to those we care for, preventing their freedom and ease. But this is not love, it is attachment and dependency. In the long run it suffocates the one you cling to and suffocates you too.

Try giving it up for awhile. Let the person come and go as they feel. See how wonderful both of you will feel when you grant your partner this kind of trust. It is said that we can never lose that which belongs to us.

It’s important to put this into action. When someone comes into your life (or day) practice letting him come. Welcome the person – whoever he is. Enjoy what it is he brings.When it is time for a person to go away, practice letting him go. Do not turn the person’s leaving into an experience of rejection, loss or abandonment. Realize that his leaving has nothing to do with you. It is simply time for him to go.

Do this with yourself as well. Let yourself come and go freely in life, not tying yourself in unnecessary chains. The more we free others and ourselves, the more love can grow.

Letting Go Of Unnecessary Expectations

Many feel that love is not possible unless all their demands are met. They can be quite amazed to discover that even when these demands are met, nothing really changes. These demands don’t lead to happiness. They just may be obstacles to love.

Take a look at what you feel is absolutely necessary in relationships. Realize this Expectations may be keeping all kinds of people and possibilities away. Not only that, these expectations can be making you fearful and rigid, not open to what is available.

Let one of these demands subside. At first let it go for just one day and see how it feels. (Remember you can always take it back again). Now try another the next day. As we do this many times, we may find that that which we thought was crucial was only getting in the way. The more we do this the lighter we will feel and all kinds of new people will start appearing in our lives. We have made room.

Read more articles by: Brenda Shoshanna

A Conversation With Myles Reed Jr. Author Of Fishing For Love On The Net: A Guide To Those Searching For Love

Today, Norm Goldman, Publisher & Editor of Bookpleasures, an online venue for book reviews, author interviews and more, is pleased to have as his guest, Myles Reed, Jr., author of Fishing for Love on the Net.

Good day Myles and thanks for participating in our interview.

Norm: Please tell our readers a little bit about your personal and professional background. And as a follow up, what makes you an “Internet Dating Expert”?

Myles: In my first literary effort, I have conveyed an honest and engaging message about the value of Internet dating. Prior to that, I spent approximately 15 years as a corporate executive, honing my skills of observing behavior and identifying meaningful patterns that create value. I brought all of this to bear in formulating the story in Fishing for Love on the Net.

I am the Internet Dating Expert because I have spent over six years living, breathing and learning the online dating world. I have identified the elements that make Internet dating work. I have synthesized the sum of these experiences into really effective techniques that will equip people to improve their chances to find love online.

Norm: What motivated you to write Fishing for Love on the Net?

Myles: Having personally benefited from dating online, I wanted to share the benefits of that experience. I wanted to write a book that would help people find love by using the Internet. Fishing for Love on the Net is a great resource for people looking for love.

Norm: Why has Internet dating become so popular in the last few years?

Myles: It has always been about love. In spite of the increasing divorce rates, the desire for love is as strong as ever. The Internet is this phenomenal new tool that has substantially expanded the possibilities for people to find romantic love. The increased prospect for love is what is compelling people to participate. It is the reason why Internet Dating has grown.

Norm: With so many Internet dating services, how does one go about choosing one that is reliable and professional?

Myles: What is inherent with the Internet, and particularly with Internet Dating, is the plethora of options. Mainline dating sites, such as Match, Meetic and PerfectMatch are the most ideal places to look for love. They are primarily in the business of creating communities to facilitate romantic relationships. Broader social network sites like MySpace and Facebook are not the most ideal place to search, because there are many other non-romantic activities taking place on these sites.

Norm: What should one be aware of when communicating with a prospective online date? What are the advantageous and disadvantageous of online dating?

Myles: Here are a few important things to keep in mind when you first make contact with someone: 1) The people that you meet online are highly uncommitted during the first few weeks so keep your expectations in check. During the first two weeks, many people will wiggle free and you will toss back an equal number. 2) Your time is important. Don’t meet every person who responds to your profile or emails. Wait until you have had good quality discussions for more than a week before you consider meeting that person.

The advantages with online dating are: 1) Access to a tremendous number of potential mates who were impossible to get reach before because of the geographic limitations. 2) More control is placed in your hands. You can find out a significant amount of information about a person before you determine if it is worth making a connection. This is an unprecedented change in dating. 3) It works. Many single people who are searching for love can change their station in life with the click of a mouse.

The disadvantage of online dating is: 1) Overcoming the mental barrier that romantic love can be created using a box of transistors.

Norm: Should people who are interested in online dating subscribe to more than one site? If so, why would it be beneficial?

Myles: It can be advantageous to subscribe to more than one online dating site simultaneously. You want to drop your line and fish in a pond where the fish are biting. Sometimes the amount of activity that you can generate with one site will taper off over time for a variety of reasons. If this happens, it may be beneficial to subscribe to an additional online dating site in order to get access to a fresh population of prospective mates. This can pump new life into an online dating process that may be going through a slump.

Norm: What is the average cost of subscribing to an online dating service and when would the fee be considered exorbitant?

Myles: The cost of the typical online dating site is approximately $20 - $30 per month. This is a very reasonable investment for an activity that has such a potentially high pay-off. We are not talking about buying a new pair of khaki slacks. We are talking about finding love, which really has no worthy price tag. I believe that the current pricing for online dating sites delivers a very good exchange.

Norm: Whom do you believe will benefit from Fishing for Love on the Net and why?

Myles: Fishing for Love on the Net will benefit every person who is in search of a meaningful relationship. It is for single men and women of every age and every persuasion, whether you have never been married, divorced or widowed. It will equip all of its readers to be better positioned to make online dating a success for them. Everyone can benefit from some advice, and there are many people silently looking for some advice on how to make online dating work.

Norm: What did you enjoy most about writing Fishing for Love on the Net?

Myles: What I enjoyed most was capturing all of my discoveries about this “new world” of online dating. It looks familiar because people are involved, but is a bit different, which is why articulating this for the readers brought me such satisfaction.

Norm: Can you explain some of your research techniques, and how you found sources for your book?

Myles: My single biggest source of research for Fishing for Love on the Net was my more than six years of personal experience living and breathing the world of online dating. I went through many of the pitfalls and failures, but I also experienced great learning and triumphs. I ultimately reach the object of my pursuit, which was a wonderful wife. The principles that I communicate in the book are infused with the details of my personal story to create a substantive and engaging narrative.

Norm: Why do you think this is an important book at this time? What are your hopes for the book? How has the feedback been so far?

Myles: This book is important because millions of people have decided that Internet dating is a viable way to find real and lasting love. However, people are desperately grappling with how to make it work for them. Fishing for Love on the Net is a perfect guide for them. No one would dare put together IKEA furniture without the instructions. This book provides instruction, guidance and hope.

My ultimate hope for this book is that I can help as many people as possible achieve success with online dating, which is finding love in a real relationship.

The feedback has been great. The momentum has been steady. I have had articles picked up for distribution through online venues, as well as fielded interviews from you, Norm, and OnlinePersonalsWatch. Most importantly, the response from my personal interactions with single people has been overwhelmingly positive. They affirm that there is a thirst for an expert point of view about online dating.

Norm: How have you used the Internet to boost your writing career?

Myles: I have engaged a great PR firm, Author Marketing Experts, Inc., that is handling my Internet marketing strategy. We have syndicated various articles that I have written about Internet dating across the Internet information sites. We will also launch a Blog tour in order to create discussion about the book as well as increased web traffic. Given the multi-faceted nature of the Internet, it is possible that some aspects of the strategy will evolve organically. I am encouraged by the marketing power that exists within the Internet.

Norm: What is next for Myles Reed Jr. and is there anything else you wish to add that we have not covered?

Myles: As the Internet Dating Expert, I am very committed to the mission of helping a greater number of people see the tremendous and life-changing value that exists with Internet dating. Fishing for Love on the Net is a beacon for people who really want to find love. I am the process of seeking greater corporate partnerships and distribution to encourage and build-up those who can most benefit from the book and the message around Internet dating.

Thanks once again and good luck with all of your future endeavors.

Read more articles by: Myles Reed, Jr.

Love Revisited: Helpful Do’s & Don’ts For The Widow/Widower Embracing New Love

Is it possible to mourn the loss of a beloved spouse and, while still grieving, to not only meet someone special, but fall in love and begin to build a new relationship that includes a commitment to sharing your lives? Can we overlap our loving and our grieving? The answer is a profound: YES! But, to smooth the path, keep these helpful Do’s and Don’ts in mind:

• Do allow yourself the joy of healing and moving on.

• Do allow yourself to feel good when this happens.

• Don’t feel guilty. You have been respectful, loving and caring towards your late spouse. Time has passed. It is healthy to want your life to move forward. Try to recognize your emotions every step of the way and not shy away from inner scrutiny, or back off from facing your emotions.

• Do know that it is possible to combine families with adult children no longer living at home.

• Do know that it will not always be smooth sailing; there will be moments of arguments and disagreements to work through.

Commonly, jealousy, fear, abandonment and money issues come up, even for your grown children. Will he leave “her” in “his” will? Will he forget about us? Will he respect our grieving? Be aware that often even the adult child feels, “I am not ready for this.” I want my dad/mom to be happy but not so fast….I’m still grieving for my mom/dad; I’m not ready to think about a “replacement” for his or her love. It may be hard for children at any age to fully understand that the bereaved are lonely and, if the widow or widower had a good marriage, this can further motivate the longing for another partner. There is also the sense of urgency, i.e., “time is running out and life will not go on forever”.

Tactfulness, thoughtfulness, and consideration for the feelings of children of all ages are so important, as well as the understanding that fathers and mothers grieve differently than their children who have their own important timetable. One cannot hurry the process of your grief, your adult children leading their own lives, or that of younger children.

While you want your life to move forward, a sensitive and understanding parent needs to recognize and be especially responsive to the needs of children living at home; children who are grieving the loss of their mother or father. The child needs the "daddy" or "mommy" that’s left. They need them to be emotionally available. Equally important, children commonly have expectations that they have exclusive rights to this parent. Dealing with young children still at home, requires an added set of challenges.

• Do listen carefully to what your child is, and is not saying.

• Do not have a new partner or romantic interest stay overnight too soon.

• Do be sensitive about the messages that you are giving your children about this new person in your life.

• Don’t have someone spend the night until they are special in your life, so that your child doesn’t feel the emotional confusion of a string of overnight guests.

• Do continue to impart important values to your child, reinforcing that love is special. Remember your behavior as a role model for your youngster.

• Do understand that someone new entering your life is confusing for your child and may come along with resentments needing to be understood and dealt with.

• Do be aware that the children are smart and can resent a new “mother,” even if she is not posed as such.

Grieving adults are entitled to happiness. Yet the grieving family members may experience confusion, conflict and rage. “I want mom back.” “I never wanted her to leave.” I want you (as my parent) not to be alone….but I’m not ready for this. Sometimes, it can’t be articulated but felt.

Keeping the channels of communication open for discussion, dialogue and sharing of experiences requires listening, and not necessarily agreeing. Each party needs to be heard and wants to be understood. Joy is to be treasured; the challenge lies in working it out in a way that is respectful to all family members.

Read more articles by: Gloria Lintermans And Marilyn Stolzman, Ph.D.

Sign Of Affair: I Fell Out Of Love... And Just Love Being In Love

If there is one front-and-forward excuse for infidelity it is: " I fell out of love."

This usually means: I no longer feel sexually attracted to you (I'm sexually attracted to someone else, for now, at least.) Or, I need to spice my life with giddy emotional highs and intrigue every so often.

Infidelity has different faces...and different signs and patterns.

Did you know there are 7 different kinds of affairs? Well, there may be more, but after a couple decades of clinical work and research, I've identified 7.

And, if you look carefully, you will find that each form of infidelity carries different signs and markers. Know those specific signs of infidelity and you can save yourself much grief.

One kind of affair I write about in my E-book is called, "I Fell out of Love...and just love being in love."

Here are some signs and patterns you can expect in this kind of affair:

1. Hang on to your seat. This may be some ride, much like a thrill ride at an amusement park. There will likely be many ups and downs, spiced with dramatic flair. Watching your spouse go through his gyrations may leave you somewhat dizzy. He will give his all to this new-found "love" and at other times might find his way back to you.

2. Typically you will struggle with being ignored and feeling rather awful that you can't provide the "love" this other person seems to provide. You might find yourself questioning your capacity to "love" and your desirability. His affections will obviously be centered on that other person.

3. He may want to tell you about this other person. Not only might he want you to know about the other person he may desire to share with you some of the details of this relationship. He might want you involved. This creates an intense triangle that juices the drama. (Most classical love stories are dramas, complete with a triangle; he "falls in love" with the forbidden or unattainable princess. Often the drama ends as a tragedy - Romeo and Juliet.)

4. Expect some juvenile behavior such as love letters (e-mail), special names, special promises, secrets only for the two of them, etc. Some of these affair relationships are the result of unfinished business from adolescence. Perhaps he was responsible for family or beset by some trauma or internally or externally imposed injunctions that precluded him from dating, socializing with the opposite sex, and "falling in and out of love" a number of times, which is so important and vital for adolescent development.

5. You may hear the persistent phrase, "I love you, but I'm not in love with you." He may truly "like you" and depend on your stability, goodness and understanding. The thought of losing that may keep him connected with you. His fear of losing that which is stable and enduring may conflict with his need to follow his feelings. As well, the possibility of loss may point to the internal emptiness that stirs up very uncomfortable feelings and thoughts. This is part of the roller coaster ride.

6. He may feel very badly about his "inability" to love you and his "inability" not to love the other person. He may express great remorse for the dilemma. He may profess deep sadness for "hurting" you - but, as you know, he has no control. His feelings drive him. His "concern" for you indicates his superficial understanding of relationships. Or, his "concern" for you may be a manipulative attempt to find an easier exit from the marriage.

7. Expect his feelings for the other person to fade. They will fade quickly if this is a pure "I've fallen out of love (and just love being in love)" affair. The "romance" of adolescent love affairs start quickly and end as abruptly. If, however, other issues come into play, such as, resentment and/or the inability to say no, you have a more complicated situation that takes longer to resolve.

Read more articles by: Dr. Robert Huizenga

Seven Urban Love Legends: Separating Love Fiction From Love Fact

When it comes to dating and love relationships there are certain “love facts” that most everyone believes. But, surprisingly, if we look at the actual research about these “love facts” we may find that they are not facts at all. They are fictions, myths. This is key information for anyone who is interested in creating a great love relationship; separating love fiction from love fact makes you an informed “consumer” when it comes to your dating and love life.

Here are seven of these mythic urban love legends and what the research actually shows us to be true about them.

Myth

1. The divorce rate in the country is 50%

Fact: It’s never been 50%. It’s actually 41%. The odds are better than you think. And a college education decreases the likelihood of divorce. This is shown by more sophisticated research.

Myth

2. You have one soul mate and meeting that “One” is the key to finding love.

Fact: Research shows that love and marriage take hard work, including commitment, positive communication, and the ability to resolve fights. The best relationship advice I can give you is that you need to work on yourself and choose someone, a good friend with chemistry, who’s willing to grow with you. These are the keys to a happy marriage. Sorry, no fairy tale.

Myth

3. When you are married fighting is an unhealthy thing.

Fact: Couples who suppress their anger have a mortality rate that is twice as high as those in which one partner stands up for him/herself. Fighting with your spouse and then resolving differences is a healthy thing.

Myth

4. Living with a boyfriend/girlfriend gives you a better sense of who your partner is and will make for a stronger marriage down the road.

Fact: Couples who have not lived together before marriage have healthier and more successful marriages. They also have less conflict, less abuse and are less likely to get divorced than couples who live together before marriage. However, a more recent study shows that couples who have committed to be married and live together do have a 28% decreased risk of getting divorced.

Myth

5. On the online dating websites the majority of men are lying about themselves.

Fact: Independent research shows that the number is only about 20%. Common lies concern income, profession, age, marital status and weight.

Myth

6. It’s better to wait until you’re more mature and get married in your thirties rather than your twenties.

Fact: People who marry after their mid twenties just as likely to get divorced and surprisingly are much more likely to have a poor quality marriage than those who married earlier.

Myth

7. Choosing marriage means more stress and financial drain in your life.

Fact: Married people are healthier emotionally and physically and they have more wealth too. Study after study has shown that love relationships have a huge impact on our psychological, economic, and physical well-being. Having a life partner can create a higher sense of self-worth, provide intimacy and emotional support which fulfills the deepest human need for connection, and lead to greater wealth and economic stability. As a result, married people may be happier, live more satisfying lives, and have fewer psychological problems, including depression. Many researchers say that these factors lead to better physical health, greater health-seeking behavior, and lower rates of alcoholism. Here’s the big take-away: for over 100 years studies around the world have shown that married people live longer and enjoy a higher quality of life than those who aren’t partnered!

You can learn much more about urban legends and the latest research on love and dating in my new book, Love in 90 Days: The Essential Guide to Finding Your Own True Love.

Read more articles by: Dr. Diana Kirschner